Category: Everything else
Not feeling well :(
I’m going to be taking some time off from posting due to not feeling well lately. Don’t worry, it’s not anything contagious. I hope to get back to posting next week.
God bless you all.
A tiny flutter
About a week ago, I had a conversation on the topic of the strength of my conviction in the existence of God. In the conversation, I claimed to be more certain of God’s existence than I am of my own.
I know it isn’t a great conversational practice to make a statement and then finish evaluating it afterwards, but that’s what I did on this occasion. I suppose it was because of the boldness of the statement that I then found my mind wandering and evaluating the statement. I asked myself, “Am I really more certain of God’s existence than I am of my own existence?”
I thought for a moment that what I had said was not true. I thought, “I am equally sure of God’s existence as I am of my own.”
I continued to think about it. I noticed that my thoughts fluttered a tiny bit, almost imperceptibly, while contemplating my own existence, but not at all when pondering the existence of God.
I realized that I am really and truly more sure of God’s existence than of my own. The difference in my strength of conviction from one to the other is small, but it is there. I marvel at that.
I am amazed at what God has done with me. He literally led me from a place of strong, stubborn agnosticism to being more sure of his existence than of my own. It wasn’t an easy journey. As a matter of fact, it was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but the result is very well worth the difficulty I endured.
God bless everyone!
Tinnitus
Tinnitus (pronounced tih-NITE-us or TIN-uh-tus) is the perception of sound that does not have an external source, so other people cannot hear it.
Tinnitus is commonly described as a ringing sound, but some people hear other types of sounds, such as roaring or buzzing.
https://www.nidcd.nih.gov
While I cannot promise a cure or treatment for tinnitus, I would like to share some of my thoughts about it.
God did not directly teach me what the cause of tinnitus is. However, by my own deduction from my lessons, I have come to think that tinnitus is probably caused by some soul-related issue. Maybe the tinnitus sufferer’s soul is micro-vibrating at an incorrect frequency, or maybe it is pressing too strongly against some auditory apparatus (hearing-related anatomy), etc.
There is going to be a lot of information about the human soul in the Playback. I am feeling optimistic that the information will eventually help science find a cure for tinnitus and that a lot of people’s ears are going to stop ringing/roaring/buzzing. I wonder how it will be for myself and other tinnitus sufferers who have never experienced silence to experience it for the first time. Words such as “bliss,” “calm,” and “peace” come to mind as I try to imagine how it will feel.
I don’t know why God made sure that I know the very talented and very likeable Mr. Michael Tucker (actor) is severely affected by tinnitus, but I suspect that it is because God would like me to mention Mr. Tucker in this article… ✅Done!
God bless you all!
Some interesting murals
Here are some photos of some interesting local murals. The mural depicted in the first photo was painted fairly recently (maybe 3-5 years ago?). The other two have been there for years longer, but I don’t know how many.
Who Leader-Guy is not
Something occurred to me yesterday morning. I don’t have any idea why I didn’t think of this sooner. What occurred to me is that some of you may think that my grandfather (John Boring) is Leader-Guy. I assure you, he is not.
Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not trying to say anything bad about my grandfather. I love him dearly. However, I can understand why some of you would be very troubled if you thought that he is Leader-Guy. Once again, John Boring is not Leader-Guy.
God bless everyone!
Honesty
So, you’ve heard a few stories about times when I was dishonest. Well, here are some examples of times when I was honest in situations where, if I had done otherwise, I would have had material gains. I don’t mean to be tooting my own horn. I just think it seems appropriate to share some of these stories too.
I don’t know the exact date of any of these examples. I do know, though, that all of them were during my six years of homelessness (Nov 2015 until Jan 2022).
These stories are much shorter than those in my last article. I suppose it’s because in these stories, I did the right and correct thing quickly, easily, without hesitation or internal conflict.
This first story is of a time when I went into the local library to use the restroom. While I was using the restroom, I was alone. As I was about to leave, I noticed an iPhone left on the counter by the sinks. On my way out I scooped it up, took it to the front desk, explained where I found it, and gave it to a library employee.
The next story is very similar. It was very late at night. I was hanging around outside a local restaurant after they’d closed for the day. I saw something sitting on the top of of a large planter near the street. I went over to investigate. I found the item to be a very new looking Android phone. I grabbed it, took it to a nearby open business, a hookah lounge, explained where I found it, and gave it to one of the employees.
This next story is also very similar. I was walking by a bowling alley behind the restaurant I mentioned previously. On my way past, I saw someone’s wallet sitting on a ledge near the front door. There were some people milling about the area, but they were all far enough away that I felt sure that if it belonged to any of them, they had surely forgotten about it. I figured that picking it up and wandering around asking people if it belonged to them might not be the best idea. So, picked it up and took it into the bowling alley. There, I found an employee, explained were I found it, and gave it to them.
This last story is different from the others. I had purchased some food items at a local Walmart and I was on my way somewhere else. Once I was outside the store, and probably an eighth of a mile away, I suddenly realized that I had not paid for a small box of strawberries that was among my purchases. I don’t remember how I managed to not pay for them, but I do remember what I did next. I went back to the store, walked in the front door and directly to the self-checkout section. I scanned the barcode and paid for the strawberries. I remember thinking that the employees might be a little confused if they observed me do this, but they didn’t seem to notice.
God bless you all!
Recent books read…
- E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial in his adventure on Earth – by William Kotzwinkle
- Back to the Future – by George Gipe
Currently reading: WarGames – by David Bischoff
On the topic of Lying
lie
3 of 4 verb (2)
lied; lying ˈlī-iŋ
intransitive verb1 : to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/lie
She was lying when she said she didn’t break the vase.
He lied about his past experience.
2 : to create a false or misleading impression
Statistics sometimes lie.
The mirror never lies.
I’ve noticed that some song lyrics make it sound like I’m some kind of prolific liar. I’m really not. I speak the truth nearly always.
There have been occasions when I’ve lied, though. Most of the time, if I’m lying, it’s because someone is asking me if I have a cigarette, a dollar, etc. when I can’t financially afford to be generous.
Through experience, I have found that it is simply easier and safer to lie in those situations than to explain that I do have a cigarette, a dollar, etc., but that I can’t and/or won’t give them one. I have, at times, tried being honest in those situations, and it just never went well. At best, I ended up arguing at length about whether or not I could afford it or whether or not I should give it to them anyway because supposedly they were in greater need than I, etc. At worst, I was physically assaulted. It was not pleasant, to say the least.
Why do I smoke, anyway?? That’s a topic for another time. It will be explained later, though.
Now, I’m not trying to complain or stop people from asking me for something if they are in need, but because of the topic at hand, I thought this needed some explanation since the majority of occasions (99%+) in which I ever lied were in those kinds of situations. For the most part, these days, I don’t mind at all if people ask. I rarely take my cigarettes or cash out with me if I can’t spare some (I mostly use debit now). Also, I’ve gotten much better in the last several years at saying no when I need to. That is also a topic for another time, but I used to be extremely weak-willed when it came to saying no to people. I’m much, much better at it now and much more comfortable doing it.
So, what about the rest? It is infrequent that I lie otherwise, but it does happen once in a while and I regret it every time. I’m trying to do better!
Here is a recent experience, for example…
This first example is an event that happened a couple months ago. Technically, it wasn’t actually lying since I wasn’t trying to deceive anyone, and I’m pretty sure that I didn’t deceive anyone, but I’m including this example because of how I felt at the time (like I’d lied—very guilty and remorseful).
I went to a thrift store, found some sandals I liked, and got in line to pay for them. When I reached the register, I was asked if I was over 50 years old (for a senior discount). I said that I was. Why did I do that? It was sort of a knee-jerk reaction because, in many ways, I am effectively over 50, and in many ways, I feel over 50. I wasn’t trying to lie. The word yes just sort of came flying out of my mouth. I admit, I was a little excited about the discount too. That probably also played a part in my brief brain lapse. Anyhow, I felt horrible afterward. I really was very affected. It wasn’t until about a day later that I started to feel better when I put the sandals outside on the sidewalk for any passerby to have for free. Once I did that, it took me about another day or so to finally not feel horrible anymore.
This next example is from an event that occurred about a year and a half ago…
I had purchased a fairly big TV online (40 inches, I think) and had it delivered to my home. Later, while I was still within my return period for that TV, I saw that I could upgrade to a slightly larger one for just a little bit higher cost. So, I went ahead and ordered the bigger one with the plan of returning the 40″ TV via shipping.
I don’t remember why, but it turned out that I couldn’t ship the 40″ TV back to the seller. I needed to take it to a physical store location a few miles from home to return it. So, I carried that bulky TV to the nearest bus stop and rode on the bus with it. The task wasn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it was quite a hassle. Anyhow, once I arrived at the store with it, I was horrified when the employees discovered that the operator’s manual was not in the box. I’d forgotten it at home (but I didn’t admit to that). I already knew that I couldn’t leave the TV there at the store while I returned home to retrieve the manual, so that meant that I would have to take the TV on two more walks and bus rides if I didn’t figure out something quick. What happened next is that I lied. I said that I had put everything that had come with the TV back into the box. The implication being that if the manual was not in there, then it was because it was missing from the box when I received it. I felt remorse and regret instantly. It lasted for days. When I say it lasted for days, what I mean is that it really affected me strongly. I spent those days feeling guilt and remorse for the entirety of them.
I still think about that sometimes, and when I do, I cringe. I do not like that I lied. If I could go back and do it over again, I’d just take that stupid TV back home with me, pick up the manual, and then return it.
There were a few whoppers (big lies) in the past too, but it’s been over a decade since that’s happened.
Here’s an example, which is the last one I can remember.
It was back in 2010 or 2011. My neighbor, whom I had not previously met, came to my door to politely ask me to please keep my subwoofer turned down at night because it was keeping him up. It was a reasonable request, and I agreed to keep it down. Before leaving, he asked what I did for a living. Well, at the time, I wasn’t working. I had plenty of money back then, and I was spending my days and nights seeking the truth about God and having all sorts of (mostly) verbal adventures and misadventures. Anyhow, when he asked, I instantly felt embarrassed at the idea of answering truthfully, so I lied. I said I was a professional poker player (ha ha!). So as it worked out, I caused myself greater embarrassment by lying. I took a lesson from that experience.
And then there’s this issue too. Sometimes I find myself in situations in which I have to say things that aren’t true, but I’m also not lying (the technically not lying thing again). For example, I might be trying to open a bank account, sign up for internet service, get medical services, etc., and they ask for information that I just can’t give accurate answers to, such as my date of birth, place of birth, etc., because the truth doesn’t match my largely inaccurate, supposed birth records, employment records, medical records, etc. That, and it would really be a tremendous hardship if I suddenly couldn’t qualify for the purchase of goods and services I need. I’m pretty sure that because I’m under 18 years old, I couldn’t even have a bank account without parental consent (currently, not possible). Anyhow, I just thought I’d mention this too, so hopefully people don’t think I’m trying to lie if I’m in a situation wherein I am providing that sort of information.
Here are some specific lyrics and some brief commentary from myself about them…
You keep on building the lies
Sarah McLachlan – Angel
That you make up for all that you lack
I don’t do that! I can’t say that I never ever did, but I didn’t do it much, and it was a very long time ago—over 10 years.
No one knows what it’s like
The Who – Behind Blue Eyes
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
I believe this is a reference to something I was doing back around 2018. I wasn’t lying, though. What I was doing was more similar to spoken positive affirmations. What exactly was it? I’m sorry, but that story is going to have to wait until later (ugh).
Fully alive and she knows
Flyleaf – Fully Alive
How to believe in futures
I think this is another reference to the thing I was doing that was similar to positive affirmations.
Man, you wouldn’t believe
Fun. – Some Nights
The most amazing things
That can come from
Some terrible lie
I am pretty sure I know what this is a reference to. I can’t really say much about it though because it isn’t something I’m directly involved with. I’m not the person who supposedly lied, nor am I the one who was supposedly lied to. I do hope though, that this story will be shared eventually by those directly involved. It is the most beautiful example of which I’ve ever heard, other than the Crucifixion of Christ, of God letting something happen that seems very bad in order that something very, very, very good will happen later. I am literally moved to tears every time I think about it. I’m tearing up even now. God is good!
God bless you all!
Seeing things differently
Reflecting back on past events, I realize now that there were times, years ago, when people around me wondered if they and I were seeing different things in situations where we should have been seeing the same thing. The answer is yes; that happened a lot.
Back then, I did not know that was happening, but I do know now that there were thousands of instances of other people and I seeing/feeling/hearing/smelling events involving myself very differently from each other—maybe even tens of thousands of times. To be clear, I’m pretty sure it only happened in events involving me directly.
It was suggested to me that on one occasion, it seemed to someone that I was screaming at them to buy me a house. I’ve never done that to anyone, ever. I don’t have any idea what I was really doing at the time when it seemed to them that I was screaming at them because I don’t know when this seemed to them to be happening, but I do know for sure that I’ve never screamed at anyone to buy a house for me.
I do not think others and I are seeing things differently anymore. But if it does still happen, I’m certain it is very infrequent.
So, why was it happening? I’m sorry, but that answer is going to have to come later. Ugh…
For now though, I will go ahead and be the first to say to me, Welcome to reality, Santi!! You’re going to like it!!
God bless all of you!
Heart issue
January 19, 2024, 3:10 pm
Everything else
Santi
I imagine that even if word wasn’t out previously, it is now. I have a heart problem.
First, the good news: As severe as my heart problem is, I’m going to be okay. I will survive. I don’t know all of God’s plans for me, but I do know that death is not part of them. God has revealed to me some of the plans he has for me in the near and distant future, and they are all things I could not do if I were dead.
Exciting news for cardiologists! (I have deduced that this has not ever been done previously). I will eventually be receiving a Big-Place-medical-science-level artificial heart at the first opportunity. I don’t know who will be installing it, but I do know who is designing it, and that person has come strongly recommended by Almighty God, so I have no doubt my new heart will be a good one!
In the meantime, everyone, please be patient with Leader-Guy. He is not delaying the treatment of my medical needs without very, very good reason. Leader-Guy is putting the safety and needs of everyone ahead of mine alone. I totally agree with him on this and support his choice to have me wait.
I should probably mention this too. I don’t actually know that an artificial heart is ready for me yet. I do know that the designer was contacted a few years ago, though.
Side note: Neurologists can expect some VERY exciting news and HUGE scientific breakthroughs eventually too!
God bless everyone!
GodSantiLeader-GuyHeart